Grieving for the unknown

Today an old friend celebrated the impending arrival of her 3rd child.

Today I cried for the 3rd child we would never have.

Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you expect they will or hope they do. In my head I always dreamed of our perfect family of me, OH and our 3 amazing kids. In my head pregnancy would be enjoyed, loved, cherished and relished. In reality it didn’t work out that way and now I’m left feeling like I’m grieving for the loss of a child I never knew and never will.

Its not that I resent my friends 3rd pregnancy or that I want to take away from her enjoyment and excitement in any way, but this was another reminder of how Mother Natures and my plans didn’t match.

I’ve writen before about how having Hyperemesis Gravidarum in my last two pregnancies effected me and the tole it took on my family, but the ghost of HG still haunts me almost 2 years after having my little boy.  I wish so much that it could have been me awaiting another new arrival, but then those beautiful dreams are shattered by the memory of that feeling, the constant feeling of sickness and like you are on the edge of throwing up. HG consumed every bit of my life and with it it took all the enjoyment from my pregnacies.

I love both my children, I wouldn’t change them for the world. They are perfect little people in their own right. My daughter is a character and a half, a social butterfly who loves to entertain and be where the party is. My son is a reflective quieter soul, but don’t let his steelie poker face deceive you, he’s in awe of his big sister and so very very determined. Yet her I am, tears in my eyes, feeling a loss and and ache for the unknown and unattainable.

I realise I am lucky to have the two children I do, but I still feel the need to grieve for the third I will not have. I have to admit that I can’t take the risk of another pregnancy. I can’t take the risk of HG raising its ugly head again. It’s not just about me, it’s about my family too. The time off work and constant questions from superiors that my husband had to face, the disruption to my daughters life and routine, something I know my little boy would struggle with even more. So instead I have to admit defeat. I have to let HG win and put my health, my mental strength and my family first and admit it will not happen and cannot be.

So instead I’ll pack away the baby clothes, I’ll shed a few tears and morn a dream that will always be just that, a dream.